Secretly you want to be revered as a god. I know this may shock you that we know your aspirations, current address, etc but who wouldn't want droves of people following their every command? If you wish to learn more about your future omnipotence we should warn you that we don't actually guarantee you becoming a god, and we only happened upon the primary instructions a few days ago. Apparently, some one was using the Dead Sea Scrolls as a cocktail napkin, and wasn't aware. Regardless, imagine people showering you with endless love that you can simply shrug off or accept, depending on your mood, as they serve you.

Sounds familiar doesn't it?

1. Look Godly

      I've always been told to dress for the job I want, and I never knew I wanted to be Jim from The Office yet apparently I'm going to be. Remember Moses, Jesus, Zeus, and Morgan Freeman? What did they have in common? A BEARD. Facial hair is power, why do you think mountain men refuse to shave? Secondly, what did they wear? Robes. Now you have to remember that people like Moses didn't fuck around. Do you think he went around in a cheap Walmart bathrobe, or one made from satin? Now I'm fully aware that this makes you look like a run-of-the-mill lunatic, but the next steps will take care of that.

You can't fuck with that much facial hair

2. Tell the Masses of Your Divine Powers

     You're going to need the people to fear your divinity to feel your love, and how are they going to be afraid of you if they don't know you have the .45 magnum that killed the dinosaurs? You will acquire many doubters, but some of the people might decide to follow you now and be in your good graces. The doubt wont last for long when you . . .

3. Unleash

     Show all of the "disbelievers", "skeptics", and "scientists" whats up, but don't think small. One up a character from The Bible, or do some insane shit that I cannot comprehend. Split the Atlantic Ocean, like a modern Moses. Make it rain blood, or flaunt you Achilles like immortality (only try if you actually poses immortality) by taking out the Taliban, whilst blindfolded. Whatever you do you had better make sure this make headlines, and not the Superman headliners. You need reporters to say "HOLY SHIT HE IS GOD" for atleast two hours after you finish. Otherwise your divintiy may just be seen as a clutch moment, hoax, or scientifically explainable anomaly.

Bring me a latte, and a change of pants